I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
