I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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