Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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