why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
