we're blogging at a bar
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
