Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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