I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
