at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
