I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
