Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
