mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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