if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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