We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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