You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
