I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
