I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
