i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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