just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
