i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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