can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
