Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
