its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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