we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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