Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
