I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
