Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
