Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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