forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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