WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
