he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
