fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
