I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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