you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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