i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
