If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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