Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
