I think my fart just growled at me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
