when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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