Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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