she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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