sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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