I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
