Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
