Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
