shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
