a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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