I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Randomize
