Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
