She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize