Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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