seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
