i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
