I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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