ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A bitchslap is in order.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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