I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
