I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
