I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
there is glitter all over my balls
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
