His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
