If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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