So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
