I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
