my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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