i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize