I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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