I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
